|
 | Suicide bomber. need i say more? | |
|
| |
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
|  | | P: | 06/29/2016 19:53 EST |
| | |
"If thats original..." wtf? Why, I oughta...
Thanks very much. I guess Wally is a good Muse. | |
|
|
blacksheiladog
Super Regular
Heavy Flag
Percher
| | | P: | 06/29/2016 22:37 EST | | E: | 06/30/2016 04:28 EST |
| | |
Was hoping you would add your great story writing. Well done.
Here's some more....
The two hestitated at this invitation while the homeowner put on his best “Here’s Johnny” smile (the one from the Shining, not late night TV). In truth, this was the first time they had been asked into a home and they were uncertain how to proceed. This guy seemed OK, and certainly was polite enough. In the JW church, there were warnings about the risks of entering people’s homes, and so they always travelled in pairs. On the one hand, God must intend that they trust in Him and bring those that are lost into the fold. On the other hand, this situation was moving the creepy meter needle slightly. With at least 141 church rules to follow, it was hard to remember if refusing an invitation was one of them. Failing in their mission could mean disfellowship, a bizarre process in which church members surround you in a circle and then turn their backs on you. Even your family is “officially” banned from speaking to you or even about you. No, failure is not an option, so with a questioning look passed between them, they followed this man inside.
The living room, like the landscaping, was spartan but clean. There was a couch and la-z-boy recliner, a coffee table supported by deer antlers, and a hat with the logo D2F on it sitting next to a large legal book. Through the passage to the kitchen they could see a open box of pizza, apparently pepperoni, half eaten, and several empty bottles of Yellow Rose beer.
“Won’t you sit down?” said the man? The sofa appeared to be clean enough, so they both sat and the man took his spot in the recliner, extending the motorized footrest. Two dogs appeared at each end of the sofa, staring intently at these unusual, and unexpected visitors. The one on the left started a low growl.
“Thing One, get over here!”. The dogs, despite his calling them Jack Russells, looked more like a cross between a rotweiller and a putbull. The growler sidled over to his master and went quiet.
“Thing One?” asked the the older boy?
“Yeah, I was a Dr. Seuss fan back in the day. You young boys probably don’t know shit about that, pardon my French. So, tell me about why your religion is worth you boys walking all over the city in this heat, getting doors slammed in your faces and talking to the likes of me. Hey, Can I get either of you a beer?”
A look of horror appeared on both their faces. “No thank you sir, we don’t drink,” replied the second. "Please let me introduce us. My name is Rutherford and my brother is Charles. We are from the Jehovah’s Witness church. And your name, sir?”
“Call me Walnuts”. This elicited another glance between the two, but neither could think of a logical question, having never seen television, let alone The Sopranos. Rutherford assumed that perhaps this man was a farmer. Walnuts continued: “So let’s get to it. You want me to convert to your religion. It seems you have come along at a fortuitous moment. I’m between religions right now, and JW sounds about as good as any other. What are the tenants of your religion? Just the headnotes please!” He laughed to himself, a private legal joke.
“Well sir”, said Charles, “Jehovah's Witnesses believe God is the Creator and Supreme Being. Witnesses reject the Trinity doctrine, which they consider unscriptural. They view God as the Father, an invisible spirit "person" separate from the Son, Jesus Christ”.
“Well sheeeeeeeeit son! That’s right up my alley. I never bought into that Trinity doctrine nonsense either. You boys may have hit the jackpot today. Tell me, do you offer a signing bonus?”
This time it was Charles’ turn to reply. “Signing bonus sir?”
“Oh come on boys, to give up my Sundays and have to do the walking tour of this city I’m going to need some sort of incentive. For all I know, you guys will be telling me something crazy like when I join your church I can’t smoke, drink, do drugs, or even talk politics!”.
Before they could answer, the group was startled by a loud sound of explosions coming from a back room followed by a mechanical voice saying “The enemy has your flag”.
“Damn, just a moment” as Walnuts jumped up, stepped on Thing One's tail, causing it to yipe, and dashed to the bedroom. A moment later the sound stopped. “Sorry boys, I was waiting to get into a server. Sometimes it takes forever so I just forget it’s on. Please continue”.
“Well sir”, Charles cleared his throatand decided to skip the rules of JW for the moment, “serving the Lord is it’s own reward. We don’t pay people to join the church. But I know that if you felt God’s love like we do, you would find it to be thanks enough!” Rutherford nodded in full agreement and Thing Two chose that exact moment for a loud fart. Walnuts let out a cackle and laugh of unnatural glee.
To be continued….
| |
|
|
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
| | | P: | 06/30/2016 02:07 EST |
| | |
Signing bonus. lmao. you do listen
good work | |
|
| |
| | |
Walnuts, can you find the link to the pieces we wrote on Admin school and Wuhu's lair? I never copied them and would love to save them onto Word. | |
|
|
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
| | | P: | 06/30/2016 13:21 EST |
| | |
BTW, Iggy, thanks for that link. Some good tools. Considering I don't usually start out with an outline (yeah, everyone sez dont do dat), wondering if I should blog something out, seeing if it picks up readers along the way. Worked for David Wong, but then again he was already a magazine editor.
Wally: http://www.lunaticrage.com/drippy/forum.php?a=vt&f=2&t=15022... | |
|
| |
| | |
I, for one, look forward to Walnuts' new book: 'Piping Top Elevator: A How-to Guide by Mr. Walnuts' | |
|
| |
| | |
 | Mr. Walnuts wrote:
BTW, Iggy, thanks for that link. Some good tools. Considering I don't usually start out with an outline (yeah, everyone sez dont do dat), wondering if I should blog something out, seeing if it picks up readers along the way. Worked for David Wong, but then again he was already a magazine editor.
| |
No worries, man. I haven't actually used CreateSpace yet(made an account, though), but I contributed a couple of short stories to someone who has(proceeds go to cancer patients in need). The "plus" is that there's no initial monetary layout.... the "minus" is that the book prices end up being higher because of that.
I guess it balances out, since I used Authorhouse for "Random Thoughts", and still(10 years on) haven't recoup'd the initial layout(need to sell another 450 copies to break even).
I'm actually working on a, I guess you could call "miniseries" of long short-stories. I've planned three books, but short by "novel" standards... longer than a "short story", though. While I didn't actually put down an "outline", I have a general idea of how the story arc will unfold.
| |
|
|
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
| | | P: | 06/30/2016 17:16 EST | | E: | 06/30/2016 17:27 EST |
| | |
| -[IBSC]-iLluSiON- wrote:
I, for one, look forward to Walnuts' new book: 'Piping Top Elevator: A How-to Guide by Mr. Walnuts' | |
Oh, you are confusing that with my Demoman Defense Tactics for Dummies. I understand your confusion, though -- its not for everyone. The chapters are titled as follows:
1. Piping the ramp.
2. Piping enemy water spiral.
3. Piping enemy sniper spawn.
4. Piping the ele.
5. Controlling the moat.
6. Piping three entry points simultaneously.
Epilogue -- By mastering each of these defensive tactics, you will probably think you are a great demoman. You won't be. BUT...if you can get 6 players whining how all you do is a tactic in just one of these chapters, and none of them cite the same chapter, well, you are well on your way and can begin Demoman Offensive Tactics which can be purchased wherever fine books are sold.
Bonus Master Points: Take out a player who whines about you piping ele about 5 times or more on the ramp and still have them whining about you piping the ele. Of course, this isn't so much about you as them, but wtf.
| |
|
| |
| | |
I would honestly buy that book, Walnuts. I enjoy your traps. I'm going to start playing a game and take a shot of whisky every time you get me.
Last night, Wisdom must have sniped me 50 times (he was on fire) and I started playing a game where every time he sniped me I would eat another grape. (why I was eating grapes and playing TFC at the same time is beyond me.) But by the end of the match the grapes were gone. Am I the only one that is dumb enough to do stuff like this? | |
|
| |
| | |
| Mr. Walnuts wrote:
| -[IBSC]-iLluSiON- wrote:
I, for one, look forward to Walnuts' new book: 'Piping Top Elevator: A How-to Guide by Mr. Walnuts' | |
Oh, you are confusing that with my Demoman Defense Tactics for Dummies. I understand your confusion, though -- its not for everyone. The chapters are titled as follows:
1. Piping the ramp.
2. Piping enemy water spiral.
3. Piping enemy sniper spawn.
4. Piping the ele.
5. Controlling the moat.
6. Piping three entry points simultaneously.
Epilogue -- By mastering each of these defensive tactics, you will probably think you are a great demoman. You won't be. BUT...if you can get 6 players whining how all you do is a tactic in just one of these chapters, and none of them cite the same chapter, well, you are well on your way and can begin Demoman Offensive Tactics which can be purchased wherever fine books are sold.
Bonus Master Points: Take out a player who whines about you piping ele about 5 times or more on the ramp and still have them whining about you piping the ele. Of course, this isn't so much about you as them, but wtf.
| |
You forgot one:
7. Places not to pipe if you want to keep playing here.
As well as the e-book bonus chapter:
8. Iggy's secret hiding spots, and how to effectively rack up an O kill streak.
;)
| |
|
|
JohnnyCanuck
Super Regular
WMD Creator
| | | P: | 06/30/2016 19:16 EST | | E: | 06/30/2016 21:18 EST |
| | |
| Mr. Walnuts wrote:
Oh, you are confusing that with my Demoman Defense Tactics for Dummies. I understand your confusion, though -- its not for everyone. The chapters are titled as follows:
1. Piping the ramp.
2. Piping enemy water spiral.
3. Piping enemy sniper spawn.
4. Piping the ele.
5. Controlling the moat.
6. Piping three entry points simultaneously.
| |
You forgot the most important chapter:
7. walnuts killing himself repeatedly from failed attempts of the above chapters. | |
|
|
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
| | | P: | 06/30/2016 23:15 EST |
| | |
Iggy...in the forward, it explains basic difference between d and o. Note the title. I didnt forget anything.
| |
|
|
Mr. Walnuts
Daycare Manager
Pipey FlagCatcher
| | | P: | 07/01/2016 13:31 EST |
| | |
| JohnnyCanuck wrote:
You forgot the most important chapter:
7. walnuts killing himself repeatedly from failed attempts of the above chapters. | |
I gotta hear this from a guy jerking off in an igloo that has a higher suicide rate than I do -- and plays medic/engie!! WTF? You habitually stand in front of your SG? Bag yourself to death? | |
|
| |
| | |
Wow.......... I have to wonder if you put salt in the salve he's going to be putting on that burn. That was harsh!
(funny as Hell, though) | |
|
| |
| | |
| Mr. Walnuts wrote:
| JohnnyCanuck wrote:
You forgot the most important chapter:
7. walnuts killing himself repeatedly from failed attempts of the above chapters. | |
I gotta hear this from a guy jerking off in an igloo that has a higher suicide rate than I do -- and plays medic/engie!! WTF? You habitually stand in front of your SG? Bag yourself to death? | |
haha, struck a nerve eh..EH? HOSEHEAD.
| |
|
| | | Forums > Whiners Corner (Archives) > Suicide bomber. need i say more? | |
